Away

Floating

In the abyss

Black waters

warm and cold

this ocean,

unending

the depth of it,

terrifying.

gentle waves carry me

up

and down

up

and down

lapping at my legs,

my shoulders,

my ears

silently lulling me

into submission.

I strain to see into the dark

Nothing.

I am crushed by the silence.

I’ve not been here before

yet I know,

not to fight.

I ease my belly up out of the water

to stay afloat

wondering where these waves will take me

or if there is even a place to go

am I stranded out here

for eternity?

not anchored to anything,

or anyone,

I float

away…

Rescue

Huge waves of self doubt,
Panic escapes my lips as a whisper.
I tread so gently
As though the world may swallow me up           
I've never been so AFRAID
Not sure of even who to trust
Certainly not myself...

Wrestling with you,
Or maybe the you I thought was you.
Different worlds
Different soil on my feet
I cannot make the two halves meet.
Scolding myself for being so flighty
"Get It Together!"
Am I losing my mind?
Am I losing myself?
I don't recognize you or me
It was supposed to be different.

But tell me now
Which way?
Because I am withering here
In indecision
Isolated in this confusion
Paralyzed by these fears

What am I holding onto so tightly,
That I cannot see beyond myself?
Am I a child?
That I must re-learn it all again?
Humbled.
Desperate
Perishing without vision...

I raise my white flag
In your presence
What else can I do?
I am without escape
Maybe you will rescue me
Again.

Melancholy

Resignation

It's 2pm

I'm still in my pajama's

Hair unwashed

Dishes in the sink

I painted a picture

Called it

Melancholy.

Cuz I'm done searching

for any silver lining.

These clouds are just

Grey.

What am I?

Doing.

These walls are my everyday

and "out there" is a whole

big hostile world

When did I get so afraid?

I guess I feel ready to give up,

To let go

To accept the way the wind tosses my hair.

But it makes my eyes sting

Makes my chest tighten.

Giving my heart to the cause

Has not meant life will favour me

Sacrifice?

Fate?

Mysterious ways of God?

Too tired anymore to care.

Let it be

Let it be

Let it be what it will be

Incense

I’m not sure who you think I am
But I know who you are.

The lights of the night stir in you
Desires of which you are unfamiliar

You are searching with your eyes closed
It is me who has blinded you.
It is me who has stopped your ears from hearing.
It is me who is both present and absent to you

Take me in through the smoke
Smoke of the fire I am lighting in you

Take me in through the sweetness of your burning incense
Sweetness I am fanning in you

The old ways will not help you now
The old ways frustrate your senses

Behold the new thing I do in you
So new you barely perceive it
A whisper of your name in the quiet night
The faint glimmer of the moon in your eye
The familiar shadow of a dream that refuses to be shaken when day dawns

Do not look to your past
Do not be hindered by present
Look not to those who surround you
Do
Not
Look

Inhale me
Breathe me
Smell me
As a fragrance which brings you to tears
As the living, moving, flowing waters

Unable to be determined
Or examined
Or temporal

Known.
Experienced.
Real as the winds which blow through you
True as the smoke which winds round your fingers
Reaching upwards

Be as the wind
The waters
The smoke
Be as a fragrance
Wafting in and out of lives
Planting memories of eternity
That will haunt
When under large skies
That will remind of home
That will reveal me

I’m not sure who you think you are
But I know who I AM.

Ringing in my ears
An unholy orchestra
Of out of tune
Wind instruments
Out of rhythm
Percussion

Trepidation
Leaking backstage
Lurking in the black curtains
Before dawn
And I leave
I leave it to them
Throwing hands into air
Screaming down empty streets
Creaking
Sleeping
Wounded streets
My faithful friend fear
Always behind
Always whispering
A ringing in my ear

It's only coffee
It's only my life
Lay down and die
Or fight to the death
Which is better?

Which is better?

Oh fantastic world
Thinking you've got the best of me
I'm out to get the best of you
Even if it is what brings me
To this insanity
Running
Singing
A song I just made up
Watching the children twirl
Watching the children die

I shake in my fear
Oh how I shake
Don't twirl in front of the world
Don't die in front of them either
Imposters
Who do I trust?

I speak in vulnerable tones
I'm shut down again
Is it possible to keep this heart soft?
Weeping
Fighting
Dying
Ringing in my ears

-date unknown

Have you known this?
Restless, unrelenting, unknown....
How many passions of this world
Will fail me?
How many experiences will I romanticize?
People and places that are not my own.
Corrugated tin leaning one against another
A desperate denial
A dance in the street
An amazing view
Framed by the unreachable dreams of a dying, fighting community
In the lines of razor wire keeping hope out.

And I will return to mt home
Where I will inevitably turn to curse
No one to feel me
All sitting on their couches night after rehearsed night
Entranced by glorious images of their TV's.

I will shout
I will dance
I will rebel
But they will hardly blink
And I will feel hemmed in
And I will feel them take hold of my newness
And I will resent their taking it
And I will look for some far off place
To give my gifts to
To a people who really 'deserve' them
And I will not be released from this ever growing cycle
Of reaching past myself to those stars that I know I can reach!
Everytime,
What I grasp becomes brighter
More beautiful
Terribly frustrating, frightening
And drastically forever.

Maybe by mistake on my part
I fumble
I teeter on the edge
Only to have to let go of the stars
Finding myself holding tightly with eyes closed
To THE Morning Star

Purposefully unsatisfied?
To be transformed into the stars I so admire?
Or just missing the obvious brilliancy
Of the mirrored glory
When I find my gaze locked on You?

So give me restless
Unrelenting and unknown
If it leads me to be disappointed
By all but You

All but You.

-written April 28, 2005

The oddest thing has happened to me
I want to be alone
I'm tired of being someone I'm not
To please the people who can never really be pleased.
I'm tired of being the peace-maker
For those who'd rather fight.

I want to be alone
Walking up the road alone
Feeling free
Independent of thoughts that so and so might want to join
"So and so" makes me tired.

I want to be alone
On the beach
Speaking silently to the power of the waves
On the mountain
Seeing my smallness up against the backdrop of greatness
In the silence
Treading it for hours....

It's an odd thing to want to be alone
But then it's an odd thing for me to care so damn much!

She says I don't have to get along with everyone
She says her birthday stank too
She says,
She got a cake though

Sweet vanilla scented cigar smoke
Sifting in and around my mouth
Caught up and dispersing
Into a misted evening ocean breeze.
Larger than life pale orange moon
Peeking at us over the horizon
Before being swallowed in cloud

Now I am content
Now I am me
Calling to the crashing tide
Stretching out to sea like the water on the horizon.
Now comes the time
My hopes rise up in me for something much, much more,
My soul aches for connection
Earth to heaven and back
Been missing it lately

Breathe you in
Like my sweet cigar
You enter all of me
That's why I'm left to wonder...

(written just after my birthday Dec 2004)